I have not updated my blog for a long time. Well, it is not because I have no time but I am slightly depressed to do so.
Well, my mum’s cancer recurred and it was not easy to deal with. She had just completed the latest chemo treatment plan and we are now crossing our fingers that her situation would stabilize. It takes a lot of patience but I am tired of being asked repeatedly, sometimes multiple times a day by my mother about her condition.
Today is a reflective day for me. I have finally hunted down one of my old classmate’s telephone number whom I had not seen since she was married around 12 years ago. The last time I talked to her was around 3 years ago when her father passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest. I thought I saw her at one of the train stations but she left before I could call her. I made a cold call to the old telephone number and her mother picked up the phone. I instantly recognized her mother’s voice which had not changed for several years. I ended up talking to my friend’s mother instead and her familiar voice brought back memories of my carefree childhood days.
I have always envied my friend secretly (you have to kill me to make me admit it out) that she had such a nice family. My parents, sad to say, were never happy in their marriage and they always quarreled – over little things, over money and basically everything under the sun and not to mention, my father seemed to have several girlfriends on the sideline which caused several screaming matches between my parents. It was to my amazement when my friend told me that her parents never quarrel.
As my mother knows her mother and I visited her house several times, I know that this is not a façade but her parents are a truly loving couple. And while not poor, my family at that time was going through a rough patch since my father’s business failed and my mother had to start a business to keep things going. My friend’s family, in comparison, is very well-off with several properties. I liked my friend’s mother – she is always very jovial and nice to me and I have to admit that there are times I turned green with envy that my friend’s life seemed to be so smooth-sailing.
Well, the reason why I ended up talking to my friend’s mother was when I learnt that she had liver cancer. It is actually quite devastating to hear that. When I last called my friend, her father suffered from a cardiac arrest and died suddenly – which sort of parallel my life as my own father suffered a stroke and then cancer and I must said, the last years of my father’s life is tough on my family both emotionally and financially. Sometimes, looking back, I think it is a good thing to just die in sleep and not dragging out the last few years of your life plagued with illness and pain. This time when I called, I learnt that my friend’s mother suffered from liver cancer which again parallels my life since my mother has ovarian cancer.
Anyway, when I finally did manage to contact my friend, I only talked to her for a few minutes as both of us do not seemed to know what to talk. For me, it is sort of pensive – she used to be my best friend but we drifted apart when we got posted to different schools at 13 years old. To me, my friend represented my childhood days which I seemed to cling on. I guess it is difficult for me to really ‘move on’ because I am not tied down with a family of my own (my friend got married with 2 kids) so I have a lot more spare time to think and reflect. But for my friend, she has moved on since and judging from our conversation, I am not really sure she remembered me – I tend to remember all the little games, quarrels and little secrets we had between us but I am not sure whether those memories are important to her as it is to me.
What brought on this pensive mood? Just because my childhood friend did not seem to be enthusiastic speaking after not meeting for several years?
Well, it is because her mother’s illness sort of sounded like a death knell to my childhood days which I clung on. I am already in this mood the last few years as I seemed to have several death cases around me starting with my father’s death 3 years ago. After that, my uncle whom I spent my holidays with when I was younger – I cried buckets at his funeral he was more like a father to me than my own father. Then I know of at least 4 colleages who passed away at their prime of life – 2 from cancer and 2 from stroke (just drop dead – one at the gym and the other at the office). A few days ago, my aunt who is in her 70s, had a ruptured appendix and her heart stopped beating during the operation – while she is now in a stable condition, we do not know whether there is any lasting effects from the cardiac arrest she had during the operation.
People around me seemed to drop dead. Elderly family members seemed to be in a really vulnerable condition and every time they passed on, I felt as if my childhood days had died with them too. These are the people who really cared for me and they were gone.
I have been wondering for several years now – where do we go to after we die. I guess different religions have different point of views. Sometimes I think when we die, everything just ends – there is no afterlife or salvation where we would meet our loved ones who passed on. For me – when I die, I don’t even know whether anyone would even mourn my passing. I am closer to my elders than to my cousins and they seemed to just die one by one. Sometimes, I feel really sad that no one would mourn or even think of me when I passed on. And I wonder whether I would be one of those old lonely ladies whose dead body was finally discovered when the body started to rot and gave off a foul smell.
I am single and I do not have that many friends. Well, I do have friends, but I think there is only one who would really care about me (you know who you are if you are reading this). And there are times I feel really lonely and I felt that I have missed my chance of having my own family. Yes, yes, yes, I may say I am a happy single lady with no commitments but at darker times, I do feel wistful of not having settled down and having my own kids. My childbearing years would be over soon and several of my friends of my colleagues already had a few children and even their youngest child is already in the primary school already. I don’t think none of my family knows, I had a boyfriend several years back….and it is serious but at that time, my family was in a mess and I was frightened of my own marriage would turn into a nightmare which my parents had. I gave up the relationship and there are times I regretted doing so but then I was young and headstrong. I almost picked up my courage again and almost joined those single clubs but at that time, my father suffered a stroke and there were so many things going on that I have not even thought of expanding my social circles to meet Mr Right.
Love is a beautiful thing and in my life, I truly seen two marriages that I really want to have. One is that of my friend’s parents and the other is a distant relative. I have never seen these 2 couples ever quarrel and they treat each other with love and respect. But I always think that I could never find a suitable partner who could share my life with. I always think that ‘normal loving couples’ would give birth to normal kids who have a decent chance of finding someone to duplicate their parents’ marriage. Abnormal couples would have children who would be eager not to have the same sort of marriage their parents have but would end up doing so. I know logically, this does not make sense but somewhere in the deep irrational part of my mind, this is what I believe (just like those people who irrationally believe that they have lucky numbers).
While I sometimes wistfully think of ‘what might have happened’, I sometimes also think it is a good thing that I do not have to many people I am fond of after I die. I truly think the world is coming to and end – maybe not the way 2012 goes but close to it but at a gradual pace. It is so depressing to read year another report that the north/south pole is melting (now there are allegations that the reports are overly exaggerated), the hole in the ozone layer is getting bigger, climatic change etc etc. I estimate…..again illogically, that we probably have another 100 years to go before the human race is extinct or have 90% of it gone. Some scientists (which I hope that they are exaggerating) estimate that the ice cap would be completely melted in 30 years time and create horrific climatic changes where majority of the land would probably end up under water. Now if you have children – this is the world they would be facing – so maybe I am doing someone a great favour by not having children.
I hate this depressive mood. Shake my fists!!!!!
